Exactly a year ago yesterday, I was in an accident in my newly owned 2012 Nissan Versa. The car was spinning around and I remember all I kept saying was “Jesus. . . Jesus.” I was struggling with the seat belt, trying to make sure I didn’t get stuck so I could run out of the car immediately. I kept saying Jesus, knowing I just couldn’t die now.
A year ago from yesterday, I was curled up on my bed, crying. I kept trying to process what exactly had happened. At the same time, angry that God had let it happen to my first car. A car that I had thanked Him for blessing me with. I was angry that He had let it happen on the first day of school! I was more angry and distracted by the situation, than I was thankful for life.
I remember being curled up on my bed, hugging myself, and feeling alone.
Actually feeling fear.
I spoke to my dad and told him I couldn’t be on my own. I needed him and my mom with me. I just could not be alone, because even though I knew God was with me, I battled believing it. I couldn’t feel Him, couldn’t see Him, couldn’t hear Him.
I was afraid.
Like what would happen after this?
I was just in a nearly fatal accident, what next?
And days after that, phone calls after phone calls rolled in. It was this meeting, internet search or the other because I had to constantly read up on things that I knew nothing about..
I remember after each phone call, I would think . . . God, I can’t do this. I was either on the phone with the police office, the court, or trying to sort things out with the insurance company. All I wanted was to not face all the drama.
I wanted quiet.
I didn’t understand why it had happened, if in fact, the car was a gift from God.
I just couldn’t handle what it felt like God was dishing into my plate.
After a year of praying, waiting, searching, bargaining, thanking and “faithing”…
my car was gone, just like that.
And then a week later, my MCAT result was released. I think I must have died a thousand times inside when I saw it.
That which I believed should never be heard of, happened.
As far as I knew, life was over right then.
Man, I was so disappointed.
And not in me.
It literally felt like I had watched God take my heart and throw it aside like it didn’t matter. Like I was some joke. I saw my heart, my hope, dreams, my life, shattered into minuscule pieces.
I was so hurt. I wanted answers.
How could a loving dad let down His own this way?
I had prepared, received encouragement, confirmation words, bible verses, etc. regarding the MCAT. So how is it that the result I saw just did not match up with the several revelations God had spoken directly to me?
I felt like a used victim.
“Trust God,” they said. “He never fails His own,” they said.
Then how is it that He failed me?
“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” Psalms 30:5
Till today, I can’t say how.
But God. He slowly spoke into my heart.
Again, I don’t know how, because I remember wanting nothing to do with God.
How could I trust a God who would let His “beloved” down?
I didn’t want Him to speak to me, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with Him.
I didn’t want to be associated with a God who had disappointed me.
I was so afraid and let down.
Yet, slowly, without me even knowing . . .
He uprooted, He re-planted. He built up, He strengthened.
Today, I shared these moments from last year to let you know,
You are not alone.
I’ve been there.
Jesus has been there. Remember His words: “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”
It’s one thing to feel beaten down by life, it’s another to feel completely beat down by your loving Father. To feel tossed aside by the same God who promised to never let you go.
“God has let me down,” that was my google search last year. Because to me, it was more than praying, trusting God for something, and not receiving it.
God had spoken words to me, I held on to them like He said I should, but somehow life didn’t match up.
But here’s the thing,
God is faithful.
I know, you don’t want to hear it.
He failed you.
But God is faithful.
And you might be reading this thinking, “lol Dami. Was that all that happened to you? You should hear my story, you should hear how hopeless God left me”
And I can’t tell you why what happened did.
But I can tell you over again that God is faithful.
This thing that the enemy caused to destroy you and it feels like you’re choking,
God will use it for His glory.
He will come. He always does.
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.”
Even in your confusion, disappointment, and heartache, repeat these words. You might not believe them right now, but it is the truth. And sometimes the truth doesn’t always feel true, but it never lies.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in us. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-12
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, no more sorrow, no crying. There shall be no more pain, because the former things are passed away.” Revelations 21:4
Stay blessed and a blessing! ❤
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